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Note: In honor of April Fool’s Day, today’s post satirizes some ideas from prominent critics of public schools.

I would like to highlight some education visionaries whose ideas about public education are largely underappreciated. These three innovators aren’t afraid to tell it like it is, and to prescribe bold solutions to current problems in public schools.

Visionary 1: Rush Limbaugh

A comment Rush made when talking with an anti-public school caller is typical of his no nonsense position on public education: “There's no question our society is in the process of being dumbed down and has for many generations.  The hideous thing is that it's done purposely.” The caller responded, “Of course it is.  We know that.  It started way back in the early last century, and we know who did it. . . I was even part of the conspiracy myself as an educator and as a former staunch atheist, humanist and evolutionary biologist.  . . I know what's going on behind the scenes.”

Against this backdrop, let’s examine a second discussion that took place in the midst of the union wars in Wisconsin: “So we're asking ourselves, ‘Will the Muslim Brotherhood take over Egypt?’ and in America we're asking, ‘Will the Education Brotherhood take over Wisconsin?’  Check the news, folks, because they're sure trying. The Education Brotherhood, which is a branch of the Government Unions Brotherhood, has already shut down public schools for how many days is it now?  Three days?  Three or four days? No end in sight, and yet all they really care about is ‘the children.’  . . .  They shut down the schools. They are robbing inner-city kids of precious schooldays that would help make America more competitive.  They're robbing these young skulls full of mush of their opportunity to be exposed to even more leftist propaganda.”

Recap: In the first exchange Limbaugh makes clear that schools are dumbing down our society; in the second exchange he discusses how a few days without school robs inner city children of education possibilities that would make America more competitive.  And in the very next sentence he asserts that teachers indoctrinate students (or, as he endearingly calls them, “young skulls full of mush”) with leftist propaganda. In summary: schools and teachers are awful, but not having school for a few days sets back both the prospects of inner-city kids and America’s competitiveness, but again, teachers teach false and counter-productive things. He’s covering all his bases on this one—and he refuses to be bullied into submission by the fact that the arguments contradict each other.

And here’s a shout-out to the caller in the first excerpt. Indeed, how is America supposed to be competitive with other nations while we still conform to evidence-based scientific theories that all those other schmuck countries have swallowed?

Visionary Two: Glenn Beck

Beck expands on some of the poignant thoughts raised by Rush, explaining that “the education system in America is broken because we don’t have our priorities in order. We've put unions, power and indoctrination first and made hard-working students, teachers and parents an afterthought. If politicians really cared about children, they'd encourage home schooling, private schools and other alternatives that bring innovation and results. Instead they throw money around. For instance, President Obama's stimulus program sends $100 billion to schools. New York lawmakers are adding $400 million too.”

I’m glad he points out what many are afraid to say: that unions and “hard-working teachers” are mutually exclusive categories. And like the Limbaugh exchange, he brings up the indoctrination problem (and I assume he’s also referring in part to that monkey science propaganda). In line two Beck implies the innovative idea that public education should be done away with all together (and since the parents of poor children are unlikely to be able to home-school them or send them to private schools, we could start utilizing these children in the factory system again—just like those golden years of the industrial revolution. Another way to help make America more competitive).

And what do federal and state governments do to show they “care” about children? Fund education, that’s what! Does no one else realize this is taking place?!

Visionary 3: Ann Coulter

And finally, no one can succinctly describe the state of public education like Ann Coulter. Discussing President Obama’s emphasis on saving the jobs of public school teachers, Coulter lets ‘em have it, noting “nothing says ‘economic stimulus’ better than saving the jobs of lethargic incompetents who kick off at 2 p.m. every day and get summers off. Actually, that's not fair: Some teachers spend long hours after school having sex with their students.” Sounds like an accurate assessment; moving on, she laments the lack of stimulus money set aside for financial aid at private or parochial schools, pointing out the obvious reason why the Obama administration would be averse to this: “Private schools might use it for some nefarious purpose like actually teaching their students, rather than indoctrinating them in anti-American propaganda.” Strike three against indoctrination! With all this brainwashing of public school students, I’m only surprised the growth rate of radical Islamists/atheists/communists hasn’t skyrocketed. But then again, maybe the students are too busy having sex with their teachers to fully ponder their daily indoctrination.